How the Spike Stole Christmas
by Doctor Strangelove
Summary: A different version of the Dr. Suess classic. Spike's tired off being treated badly by the Scoobies so he takes some revenge. [SpikeBuffy]


TITLE: "How the Spike Stole Christmas"  
  
AUTHOR: Doctor Strangelove (strangelove317@hotmail.com)  
GENRE: Humor/Parody/Poetry  
RATING: PG-13  
PAIRINGS: Spike/Buffy.  
SPOILERS: Up to "Wrecked", takes place December of Season 6.  
FEEDBACK: I'd love it.  
DISCLAIMER: Joss owns all the Buffy characters. Dr. Suess owns all the Grinch stuff. I'm only using their stuff for fun and no profit.  
A/N: Bold letters are the song, italics are stuff going on, that's why they don't rhyme.

"How the Spike Stole Christmas"

Written by: Doctor Strangelove

'Twas the night before Christmas, as we begin our story,  
We open on Buffy the vampire slayer, in all her glory.

She's out at the graveyard, it had just turned night,  
And three nasty vampires were putting up a fight.

They refused to yield to her punches and blows,  
But she was finally successful in defeating her foes.

But from the shadows, a figure marveled at the sight,  
It was William the Bloody, A.K.A. Spike.

Now this particular vamp was cunning and tricky,  
And asked if she wanted to go back to his place for a quickie.

She shouted "No way!" and took off quite fastly,  
But soon they were at his place, doin' the nasty.

She seemed disgusted and left in a hurry,  
Off to fight demons that scamper and scurry.

Now this pissed off Spike to a great extent,  
How dare she leave when he wasn't quite spent!

"I guess I'll settle for a porno and my hand,"  
It was then that Spike came up with a plan.

He had picked up a movie off of his shelf,  
A delightful feature called "Santa and his Naughty Elf."

It was then he remembered it was December 24th,  
And he leapt from his chair, and then he set forth.

Down to Crazy Eddie's Costumes and Disguises,  
But when he arrived he was in for some surprises.

They were sold out of the costume that he needed,  
Before it even began, his scheme was defeated.

But Spike wouldn't give up, so he went out and sought,  
Until he found a sewing machine and some red cloth.

And down at his crypt he worked for an hour or two,  
Until he made himself a Santa suit, shiny and new.

In the history of evil schemes, there wasn't one fouler,  
He was a perfect replica for that jolly old child disemboweler.

Spike was finally ready and the hour was at hand,  
To steal Christmas was his master plan!

It wasn't a hatred of the holiday that was his reason,  
Spike really had nothing against the holiday season.

But it was the Slayer, and the rest of the Scoobies,  
"Always picking on and dissing yours truly."

All of this negative behavior he did resent,   
So he was off to town to steal some presents.

"Now you'll have some pain inflicted upon ya!"  
Spike laughed as he came up to the home of Xander and Anya.

He silently slid in, having been invited before,  
Then tripped over a chair and fell flat on the floor.

A loud bang and a crash erased all his glee,  
As Spike realized he'd knocked over the tree.

Spike froze and prepared to leap for the door,  
But the only sound was on Xander's loud snore.

Spike smirked and stood up, ready to begin his trick,  
When he turned to the narrator and shouted "Cue the music!"

And he crept over to the tree, in full vampire visage,  
And we slowly begin our musical montage.

**You're a mean one, Mr. Spike,  
Even with that chip in your head.**

_Spike goes over to the Christmas tree and starts picking up presents._

**You naughty little thief,  
Member of the undead, Mr. Spike.**

_He picks up a present and shakes, and quickly puts it back when he hears something break._

**You're an evil vampire with, platinum blonde hair on your head.**

_Spike starts to unwrap a book that is revealed to be the Kama Sutra._

**You're a vampire, Mr. Spike.  
You're heart's black as coal.**

_Spike looks around and starts to look through the book._

**Can't stand the taste of garlic,  
Haven't even got a soul, Mr. Spike.**

_Spike, still looking at the book, looks at a page in confusion. He turns the book sideways and then nods in understanding._

**Wouldn't get around you, without the hammer of a troll.**

_Spike has moved on to other gifts, and we see him putting a pair of boots, a jacket, and two or three jewelry boxes in a bag that already contains the broken gift and the Kama Sutra._

**You're a vile one, Mr. Spike,  
You always brag and gloat.**

_Spike pulls a skimpy thong out of a box and smiles, he then makes an "Ew" face when he sees that the package says TO: Xander._

**Wear the same old outfit,  
With a thirty year old coat, Mr. Spike.**

_Spike, having heard the song, looks down at his leather coat, which he's wearing over the Santa outfit._

**If I were you I'd earn a little money and buy a brand new coat, Mr. Spike.**

_Spike looks through his bag again and pulls out the jacket he shoved in their earlier and tries it on._

**You're a foul one, Mr. Spike,  
You-**

"Hey, uh, mate,"  
What? Can't it wait?

"Um, well, I've cleaned out the place,"  
Already? Wow, quite a pace.

"Yeah, so I guess you can stop the song,"  
But it's not over, can't you just go along?

"Not really, all the stuff is gone,"  
Oh, alright, let's just move on.

So the couple's number of presents greatly diminished,  
Spike leaves well before the song's even finished.

Now feeling confidant and quite bold,  
Our hero/villain heads to the Summers household.

He listened for a moment, before creeping in the door-ah,  
In the living room he found a grand tree, and a tiny menorah.

He tripped over a cord, taking down the tree and a bottle of gin,  
He rubbed his head and muttered, "Oh, hell, not again."

He heard a "Santa?" and turned around expecting Dawnie,  
But no, it was Buffy Summers, who was no more than twenty.

"Santa?" she asked, "How can you wear all that in this weather?"  
"And what happened to your beard and since when do you wear leather?"

Spike slapped his head, he'd made a mistake, like he had feared,  
In all the trouble of the suit, he'd completely forgotten the beard.

Buffy flipped across the room, showing she was indeed quite limber,  
"So what do you say we go up to my room for a game of Shiver Me Timber?"

Spike was so ecstatic, he himself could've flipped,  
And he thought Christmas is more than the gifts.

There's family and friends and your loved ones,  
There's being nice to people and there's getting some.

Spike remembered the gifts and felt he should give them back and felt a little sorrow,  
But as Buffy dragged him upstairs he thought, "I'll do it tomorrow."

And when they had finished the vampire and Slayer went to sleep on their pillows,  
A very merry Christmas to them all, and a happy Hanukah to Willow.

  
**  
**

  
**  
**


End file.
